Prewarning! Going to be a LOONGGG one, but it might be worth sharing for some of you who need some inspiration? So here it goes:
Can you ever truly stop being who you are? Even with demons riding your
shoulders, you are still you at the very inner core. We walk through
life wearing a mask to every person we meet in the street, we don't
truly allow those people to come into our world, these strangers. When
you greet a certain woman on the street, is this how you would greet
your friends who show up for your party? We each have a natural guard,
some guards are thicker than other guards we show. How much trust do you
put into yourself in knowing how to use the guard correctly for every
person you know? How much should you guard from those you know? I am not
talking directly about guarding and hiding a secret. I am talking about
guarding and protecting your inner core and your heart.
As a child we learn how our voice can be heard to get the basic
necessities we need for survival. How do we do this as an adult? What
happens to the child who never had a voice to express what they needed
or how they were hurting? What becomes of the child in adulthood? How
does she use her voice if she's never taught how? I have learned through the years that children need their voices and
every good parent should teach and allow that child to use it. The voice
comes not only from the vocal box, but also through the movements,
decisions, action and reactions, showings, her artistic abilities, and
every act whether seen in right or wrong light, is her voice trying to
be heard. What does she have to say? Who does she have to say it to? Herself, the
cosmic world, her lover, her children, her friends? Many voiceless
adults know what they have to express, but fail in almost every attempt
to try to be heard. Communication signals are crossed, the ones that
emanate outward from within, the longer the chords- the more tangled
these become. This breakdown leads to break ups of relationships,
families, working conditions, networking of friends, and so forth. At an early time in life, I used art to communicate my voice and as I
grew into teenage years, my voice became a part of my destructive
behavior which continued well into my early adult years. My voice was
heard by very few, although translation was unclear. I fought hard to
make my voice heard, on a vocal level but also an artistic level. Every
act of my self was one step closer to learning to get my voice heard. I
didn't need to be heard by every single person I came across in life's
travels, the first person I needed to hear my voice was myself. Hearing
my voice allowed me to recognize my pain and my pleasures. I was
silenced as a child, the only way I knew to truly find my voice was
through means of unconventional acts to the mundane eye. I knew early on
I would walk a path that would be misunderstood, judged, feared,
stereotyped, and mistrusted. However, that is the only way I knew how to
walk, I have always leaned to the darker and more fierce side and
methods to break through to the core of my being. Walking in the
darkness, and silent, with no voice will take you this path. It was through all my trials, errors, and failures to have my voice
heard, to get to the truth of who I was, using the only ways I knew to
use, did I finally find the right way to have my voice heard. I was
around 30 years old when that light bulb came on. yay, go me! Yes, I
found that way. However, the next hard task was finding a way to break
the silence I had created around me. Words had no meaning through the
filters of damaged canals I had created for those around me. In fact
those around me, I believe, for their own reason and not at true fault,
had clogged vessels and channels and really wasn't able to hear what I
had to say, nor could they see how my behavior was self destructive. Did
they take on that hurt and pain, did I cause the hurt and pain, not
intentionally for both. Not only do you need to know how to say what you
need to say, the receiver needs to know how to listen to not only words
and actions but the deeper source of what is being communicated. For me
it was a reaching out saying "I am confused, I am lost, I love you,
please tell me what to do, because I am failing miserably at this!" But
once I came to the point of realization and the strength to take the
path to healing, all I could do at that point was to show what I had
accomplished, in hopes that an understanding would come forth to those
around me. I had conquered a demon but I never realized the spawns it
secretly created while I was looking inward until a year later.
For the next 8 years, my task was to use the voice I had found, help
others to find their voice, and to finally show my love and children
what I had always felt and believed in about them and us as a whole
unit. So when I say that everything I do I do for them and I do for me,
this is it right here, searching and reaching, putting my whole being
out there, making my voice be heard to express what they are to me.
Tears can come from pain or joy. Confusing actions and reactions can
come from those same places. The self can be lost in translation, and I
felt lost in translation for sure. One thing that never changed is the
love I have always had with me for myself, my children, and the love of
my life. I had learned to heal myself in ways that were more in
alignment for me and for my family, I attuned my spiritual path more
correctly to it's roots and nature. I went back to college and finished a
degree. I started a business specifically for aiding and guiding others
in need of help. I worked hard every day to show the ones around me
that I loved them, and that knowing that I went through hell for that
many years, I tried very much to shelter and protect them all so they
never had to feel what I was feeling. Yes, that was my blind eye, not
realizing that my silence, was misconstrued. The double edge sword in
the gut was finding out that the one love of my life misunderstood me,
didn't trust me, and couldn't see the true beauty within me as I thought
he had. For he was the only strength I could pull from when I had none,
but I pulled so much of his strength, that it left him dazed, confused,
angry, and hurt. This is how strong the demon that rode on the crazy
bus to my hell was. Never my intention, could be stopped, no way. Did I
grow and evolve from it, absolutely.
When I began to have children, I encouraged them through the years to
speak their truth, speak their mind, express themselves, and to not be
afraid to express themselves. All three of my beautiful bundles of joy
are expressive, full of love and emotions, and do not hide from the
world. They have true liberty, unlike what I had at their age. If I am
only able to give them one gift, that would be the gift that I give to
them, freedom to be who they are, and go any where they want, free of
fear to be who they are and have their voice be heard in any way they see
fit. I know that for everything that I have ever done or tried to do, was to
be able to be heard, from early poetry, rituals, drawings, photography,
more rituals, bdsm, psychedelics, alcohol, more rituals,
writings, more drawings, more poetry, priestessing, healings, was
directly for the sole purpose of seeking the self and self's voice and
making it be heard. Many of these paths like I say have been judged,
misunderstood, stereotyped, etc. If I said I did it with love in my
heart, that alone is misunderstood and mistrusted. Unfortunately, I
can't go back in time and pull out websites of my old photography to
show that it was all in the act of trying to be heard, the writings, the
blogs, all of it. Maybe it's on an old hard drive somewhere if I was
smart enough back then to back up files... One thing that is true and
stands true, is that the friends that I have made along the way, and my
family, and some place deep in the heart of the one that I am close to
who has shared my life for 16 years, they all know this to be true of who
I am, where I have been, and why. Today my only wish is for my love to
regain his strength and balance and
come to clarity of our path together. To see (and understand) how very much in love with
him I have always been and always will be, and know in his heart that
we alone can walk this path side by side as a strong united force as a loving couple better than we were before. And damn we rocked the damn house together, if I could only share that with the world ;), but a very special few in our life have seen us at the core of our unity and saw the love we had rocking for years together, even at our hardest times, we survived a lot, like those old couples that have the stories of crazy complex stories and experiences to tell to those young whipper snappers who think they found their love of their life like no other. Lol, yea, that is what I look forward to one day ;). But!!! The
rituals we have done together have never skipped a beat in the least. We created a beautiful child from ritual work and as we
are very powerful as individuals we are very powerful as a couple, we know
it (at least I know it at this moment) and so do the ones around us. That I see very clearly and one day as
the Sun comes out and dries the mist and warms the earth, he will see
it too. I know I don't have to prove anything to anyone, maybe I can do
something to help clear away the demons that try to cover my truth and
beauty, but the sole purpose now in the moment of this post, is just
that, to clear the clouds for myself, for my love to be heard, and for
someone else out there that might need encouragement to take the
necessary steps to find their voice too. It's been a lifelong lesson the
real meaning and curse behind being an Aquarius a "humanitarian"
and works from the inside out to try to change the world so that
my children continue to be free to be who they are and have their unique
voice be heard. I do it for them, the sacrifices we make for our
children is Great. This is a fight that I will never give up, of course. I will
continue to fight for liberty for them. I will continue to fight for
liberty for all the ones that I love, him, my children, my sister, my family, my
friends. That's just who I am and have always been. Same girl, a little
older, a little wiser, and just with a clearer view of how to fight and
with new tools to fight with: my work as a spiritual guide, healer,
paintbrushes, and my artistic talent. :)
Light and Love,
V
